Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
