Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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