I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
