he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
