I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
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He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
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How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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