??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
