hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
