if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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