I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Randomize
