Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
