maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
