In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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