ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
