just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
