love makes seman taste better
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
