The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
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