Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
My dick has a subreddit
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
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