It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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