i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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