I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
