if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
i think my tv is drunk
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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