i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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