dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
