I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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