She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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