hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
