it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
