Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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