I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
