Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
