New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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