I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
