Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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