Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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