god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I am naked and annoyed.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
