i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
