you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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