I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
