First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
