I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
