and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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