dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
