He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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