Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
