I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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