Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
you traded sex for a burrito?
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
