I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
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Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
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I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
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