She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Randomize
