I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
