When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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