i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
