Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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