Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
