I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
