All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
