I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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