the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
