just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
