I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
